A Crack Through Which the Sun Could Shine

Soon after the launch of Buddhism For All in November 2023—the book Soryu Forall co-authored with Chade-Meng Tan—Soryu committed to signing books for anyone who requested via our mailing list. One morning, his assistant Bodhi asked me to go with him to Turtle, a small, simple room with enough space for a round table, four chairs, and a tea set, where Soryu frequently met with people. That day, Soryu was there signing a pile of books and wanted to ask me about what to write to a friend of mine who had requested one.

A few days prior, I found out in a conversation with him that I had done something seriously harmful to the community, and him by extension, so I had been quite gloomy, ruminating about how I had let him down and disappointed him. However, the thought of my friend, and being able to respond easily to his request brought forth a drop of joy in a sea of agony.

Then I realized that this was a good opportunity to have my book signed as well. I asked if he could do that, and he said “Yes”. I quickly ran to my room upstairs to grab it and hand it to him.

Because Soryu is usually so busy, we're all told that we should generally not initiate conversations with him, but we could continue one if he starts it, within reason. As he was considering what to write, I took this rare opportunity to ask if I could also ask a quick question. He looked over to Bodhi, who indicated it seemed fine, though I got the sense they'd say "No" depending on what it was.

I asked him, “Why do you let people trouble you so much?”

He looked to Bodhi again and said with a small chuckle, "Perhaps I shouldn't let people do that." Then he turned to me, slim metal-rimmed reading glasses still on his face making him look a bit grandfatherly, and told me kindly, "I let them trouble me because I know they're not really troubling me. They are troubling an idea of me in their heads. They do what they need to do to work themselves out. They're not really interacting with me, so I'm not really troubled."

I thanked him for the signed book, and for what he shared. Soon after my mind shifted toward compassion and ease again. In aspiring to really know him, I let go of ideas.