It was the spring of the 12th year of training at the Monastic Academy for the Preservation of Life on Earth. I was subbing in as the head monk for a week. In the upper zendo after evening dharma discussions one night, Soryu and I spoke about how the group was doing, and what I was doing to care for individuals that were struggling.
Then, seeing that I was struggling and taking steps to care for me, Soryu asked how I was doing. After I gave a general report there was a long silence, punctuated by Soryu’s “hm”s. Then he asked, “Has anyone ever taken care of you?” I said there has only been one person, one of my fellow trainees, who I had been spending a lot of time with and leaning on for support. Seeing the situation clearly, Soryu said, “You can’t have it all you know. You can’t do everything. In fact, you can’t do anything, except one thing. It’s not that there is a certain set of one things that you have to choose from. You can make a new one thing. But you can only live one life. You can only be one person”.
After evening dharma discussions a few nights later Soryu said to me, “I know you want to be taken care of. This is valid. But what’s even better is a path that doesn’t care about you AT ALL”.