At one time during my first year of residency at the Monastic Academy, someone announced that our head teacher Soryu Forall needed help with work on his truck, and that we could volunteer to help him during our self practice period, if we liked. I was eager to spend any time with Soryu that I could, so I went to volunteer, along with two other training residents.
It turned out that the work involved lifting a very heavy object. We each held it by one of its four corners, but I could not maintain the strength needed to hold it up for long, and I caused us to set it down prematurely. At that point, Soryu expressed frustration with me. I didn’t think much of it at the time.
Later I received a gift card from Soryu for something I liked. I was surprised, and imagined the gift card was for helping with the truck.
The next day he stopped by my office to speak with me. He apologized for speaking harshly to me when we were working on the truck. I realized the gift card was another way of expressing his apology. During this conversation, I felt reluctant to accept this apology. As I continued to downplay the significance of the event, Soryu kept apologizing and thanking me for accepting the gift. We cycled in this pattern for a while.
Finally he left, and I could feel the feelings associated with all of this. I realized my resistance to receiving an apology for something so minor was part of my way of protecting myself from hurting for all the times in my life I had never been offered an apology for offenses much more painful.