At MAPLE in the Spring of 2021, the group was moving through the last evening of an awakening period–a week of retreat practice. There were brief 1-on-1 practice interviews with the teacher, Soryu Forall, after the expressions period. Expressions are the apex of the retreat where everyone in the group is asked to come forth before the whole group and express their practice, wisdom, and the highest teachings they realized in the retreat.
I, Virabhadra, went into the interview with the teacher and he asked me which part of my expression was most authentic. I named piece after piece of the expression, of what I said and did. Each time I gave an answer, he responded, no, not that. After many attempts, going through all I recalled, I became exasperated and asked him what it was? He said it was my smile and joy, which I showed throughout the expression, yet did not intend to show and was not able to recall or point to. He said that I did not need to hide this smile and joy, that they were okay to express and live with.
On the way back to the zendo after the interview, I stopped and leaned on a small wall of rocks, unable to continue. After a few moments, I continued and rejoined the sitting meditation.