I wish I could show them my mind

In my first year as a training resident at the Monastic Academy, we were nearing the end of one of our monthly week-long awakening periods. These awakening periods are what most people would refer to as “meditation retreats.” During these times, retreatants set their life aside and strive to single-pointedly practice meditation without any gap in concentration. The clear goal is to breakthrough to enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.

The culmination of the awakening period takes place in a ceremony called “expressions”. During this ceremony, on the evening of the final day, each of the retreatants are requested to express their authentic insights to the whole group. These insights are to be expressed from within one’s present and alive meditative practice. They are not be expressed by returning to the conceptual dualistic grasping mind and coming up with something to share (as so many of us have so tragically done over the years).

As I sat upright practicing at my cushion along the outer ring of the Zendo, Forall struck the singing bowl to begin the expressions period. The vibrations of the bowl washed through my whole sensory experience. Everything I saw was bouncing. Everything I heard was echoing. Everything I felt was pulsating. The world was bright and crisp.

As I diligently stayed with my breath and intently witnessed each next one of my friends go to the center of the Zendo to express their clarity, the joy and love and light grew bigger and brighter. This unusual experience was so overwhelming that I couldn’t make sense of what to do. So I just sat there, not knowing and still for the entire period. Then, unexpectedly, the bell shook the world once again to mark the end of the ceremony.

After stepping outside to get some fresh air before the start of the final period of one-on-one instruction with Forall, I felt bashful for not standing up to express my clarity. Everyone else had shared something in front of the group, but I just sat there. I wish I could have shown them my mind, but I didn’t know how.

I set this rumination aside as the meditation period began again in the Zendo. One-by-one a bell echoed from a small room in a nearby building where Forall was giving instruction. This indicated that the next person was to enter into the interview space. It was my turn.

With everything I had, I stayed with the thumping life energy beating through my body and mind as I opened the door, sat down on the cushion, and bowed to Forall.

When I looked up, his shining eyes met mine. With a big smile on his face that exuded a love I cannot describe, he said, “I appreciated your expression.”

In that moment, I knew without a doubt that my mind had been seen.