In early February of the 13th year of training, I had then recently become the head monk for the first time. This is one of our most challenging roles, because it has responsibilities such as holding trainees to high standards of discipline, and caring for the awakening practice of the whole community.
Around that time, a residential student abruptly ended his training residency. While he was away on a weeklong vacation, he sent an email to our head teacher, Soryu Forall, and executive director, Ānandabodhi. The student wrote that he had become unwilling to complete his training commitment, and gave no explanation. This is a commitment that we celebrate in a sacred ceremony with the whole community as witness, to acknowledge the significance of dedicating a portion of our precious lives to training, and deepening our friendship in walking the spiritual path together.
He had been training for a few years, was well-respected in the community, had held the role of head monk himself, and often expressed gratitude for the training, the community, and Forall’s guidance. I was on the same project team as him, and worked with him closely, often inspired by his enthusiasm.
So it was a great shock for most of the community, including myself, to learn that he would treat our relationship in this immature and selfish way. Some people had noticed warning signs beforehand—divisive speech in private conversations, which they did not report to leadership. In Buddhist teachings, divisive speech is one of the ten acts from which we need to refrain in order to cultivate virtue, because it causes disharmony and conflict between people.
He returned briefly, and Forall met with him to offer him the chance to give feedback. He chose not to. This was his pattern for his entire time training here. Year after year, we worked with him on this, but he never took this step, even though almost everyone else in his position was able to. He left the next day.
A few days after his departure, just prior to the meditation period, I was setting up the interview space with Forall. As I was doing so, he began talking to me about the student. After a few exchanges, I shared with him that I didn’t know who to talk to about it here because I had lost so much faith.
He replied, “Let’s be clear, for everyone to lose faith in each other, that is his goal, because he has so little faith in himself. Please see that. He knows that if he can get everyone to distrust each other, nothing will work. Others who have behaved in this way knew what they were doing. They know, that if they behave in a way that’s untrustworthy, then people will start looking at everyone thinking, ‘everyone is untrustworthy’, and then all of society falls apart. Then you have to build a different kind of society that’s based on distrust. That is exactly what’s happening in our world right now. This is Mara’s goal.
“Therefore, at a moment like this, of such crisis in your heart, all I can tell you is this: it doesn’t matter what he does.”
I didn’t expect Forall to bring up Mara, an entity who may be considered the personification of evil. While Buddhist teachings offer nuanced perspectives on such an entity, he is often portrayed as a powerful being who persuades people to commit harmful acts, which hinder them in walking the path toward liberation from suffering. This is one way to talk about the forces of evil we contend with in the struggle for liberation. I invoked this as I asked urgently, “Why does Mara do this? This is so senseless.”
“In order to trap you,” he answered. I sighed in acknowledgement that at some level, I knew that. He continued, “One of the things that Mara has done to this world and to you is to convince you that Mara is the only reality. But there is another reality. There IS,” he said, with much conviction.
He paused to let that sink in, then continued. “So please don’t think about it. If you stay clear, the worst thing that he can do, is to kill you. But getting killed just isn’t that bad. If you allow yourself to lose integrity, however, then you’re letting him make you do something even worse. It’s better to die than lose your integrity. If people see that it’s better to die than to lose their integrity, that transforms this whole world of samsara. Mara can do nothing about it. He can’t trap you if you’re willing to give up everything for the truth. Only due to what we adhere to, are we trapped. Mara doesn’t have complete control. He can control you only with what you hold onto.”
Forall mentioned a few other people who left the training in similar ways. “Each person we see—they’re lovely. We love them. And like them, we all have weaknesses. There’s nothing special about being lovely and having weaknesses. We’re the same in those ways. The difference is that they have decided to protect their weaknesses, rather than overcome them. They would rather destroy your practice than face their fear. So do your training. It doesn’t matter what happens in the world. Do your training.”
This was helpful, but I still hadn’t fully resolved my doubts. “Sometimes it still seems like I’m so limited, physically and mentally.”
“That’s exactly right. That’s what the body and mind are. They’re limited.”
At that time, all of a sudden my digital watch alarm went off. I fumbled in confusion trying to turn it off, but couldn’t. Observing quietly for a few moments, Forall remarked gently, “It’s a good thing we had this conversation. Otherwise it would’ve gone off in the zendo.”
I said in despair, “I can’t even stop a watch. Everything I’ve done, everything today has seemed so futile. It doesn’t seem like anything I’ve done has mattered at all.”
“I know,” He responded, still with the same calm tone. “Again, it’s because you love him so much. That’s why it seems futile. You love him and it doesn’t seem to make any difference. He still treated you badly. I know. I’m not saying that it’s fair. I’m just saying that it doesn’t really matter.”
“It matters to me! I’m terribly, terribly suffering!”
“Yes. He’s willing to put you through that suffering rather than face his fear. You must not do the same.”
“What is the point of this?”
“The point is to realize enlightenment.”
I tried to respond again, but there wasn’t so much energy in the resistance and confusion anymore. I took a deep breath.
“Let’s begin the meditation now,” he concluded. “It’s time.”
Wrapping up preparation, I exited in silence.