In early February of the 13th year of training, I had then recently become the head monk for the first time. This is one of our most challenging roles, because it has responsibilities such as holding trainees to high standards of discipline, and caring for the awakening practice of the whole community.
Around that time, a residential student abruptly ended his training residency. While he was away on a weeklong vacation, he sent an email to our head teacher, Soryu Forall, and executive director, Ānandabodhi. The student wrote that he had become unwilling to complete his training commitment, and gave no explanation. This is a commitment that we celebrate in a sacred ceremony with the whole community as witness, to acknowledge the significance of dedicating a portion of our precious lives to training, and deepening our friendship in walking the spiritual path together.
He had been training for a few years, were well-respected in the community, had held the role of head monk himself, and often expressed gratitude for the training, the community, and Forall’s guidance. I was on the same project team as him, and worked with him closely, often inspired by his enthusiasm.
So it was a great shock for most of the community, including myself, to learn that he would treat our relationship in this immature and selfish way. Some people had noticed warning signs beforehand—divisive speech heard in private conversations, which they did not report to leadership. In Buddhist teachings, divisive speech is one of the ten acts from which we need to refrain in order to cultivate virtue, because it causes disharmony and conflict between people.
He returned briefly, and Forall met with him to offer him the chance to give feedback. He chose not to. This was his pattern for his entire time training here. Year after year, we worked with him on this, but he never took this step, even though almost everyone else in his position was able to. He left the next day.
A few days after his departure, just prior to the meditation period, I was setting up the interview space with Forall. He began in a gentle voice, “I know how much you love people—”
“I don’t,” I said curtly.
“But you do, and that’s the reason you’re in such pain. You’ve been treated so badly,” he said, mentioning the student who had just left. “He has taken your love, and betrayed you.”
“He doesn’t owe me anything,” I said in a strained voice.
“He does owe you something. He owes you respect. He owes you fulfilling his promises. You’re angry because he treated us badly. He took the love offered to him, and betrayed it. It’s reasonable that you would be in pain—”
Not willing to hold back anymore, I yelled out, “It doesn’t make sense to me how much this world sucks! It doesn’t deserve any love, it doesn’t deserve our help! The only reason we’re doing this is that we’re IDIOTS!”
Forall replied in the same gentle tone, unfazed, “But if you don’t do your part, then you’re letting him win. His goal is to put you in this state. He wanted you to feel this way, because he’s so afraid. He’s so afraid of letting go, that he’s willing to hold on even if that means putting you in pain.”
I turned away a little. “Why are you talking about me? Who cares about me? This isn’t supposed to be about me.”
Without any pause, he replied, “Because he put a lot of stuff on you, right? Stuff that was his to do. And if you put yourself in this state, then you’re doing the same to others. Now that you’re falling apart, I have to do what you’re not doing, in just the same way that you have to do what he’s not doing, because he fell apart.“
There was a moment in which I considered this, then he continued, “It’s true that he betrayed our trust, that he treated you particularly badly, worse than anyone else here. That is true.”
“What?!” I exclaimed, genuinely shocked.
“Who cared for him as a genuine friend for all these years? You did. But who has to clean up his mess right now? You do. And who, as the leader, has to deal with the fact that he behaved so poorly? You do. That is all on you. But be aware, he knows that.”
“He knows that?!”
“People may not know things consciously. People know almost nothing consciously. But his behaviors have been so… carefully calculated, that we have to assume that he knows subconsciously.”
“Carefully calculated? What do you mean?”
“He has behaved in ways that will cause you pain, that will cause the community pain, that will slow everything down. We see this again and again. People are not oblivious deep down. People are buddhas. People know exactly what they’re doing.
“I have no interest anymore in what people say they know. You can say anything. You can create an image of yourself in your head where you say, ‘I don’t know. I’m innocent.’ But that’s a lie. People know. So do you. It’s because you’re caught in your head that you don’t know. Because in your head, you can know things and not know other things. That’s easy. You can become ignorant if that means you look innocent, like a victim. Anyone can do that. The question is, do we, deep down, have integrity?
“He has treated you badly, treated the community badly, but if you enter the state he entered, then you’re doing exactly what he wants you to do. His goal is to make you suffer, so that the community falls apart. That’s the goal, because he’s so scared, so scared of letting go, because he made choices in the past that make it very difficult for him to let go.”
By this point, I had relaxed and let go of much of the anger. I asked, “Do you have any advice for how to get out of this? I’ve tried to practice, but my strength isn’t sufficient. I don’t know who to talk to here anymore because I’ve lost so much faith in everyone besides you, but you’re busy.”
“Let’s be clear, for everyone to lose faith in each other, that is his goal, because he has so little faith in himself. Please see that. He knows, that if he can get everyone to distrust each other, nothing will work. Others who have behaved in this way knew what they were doing. They know, that if they behave in a way that’s untrustworthy, then people will start looking at everyone thinking, ‘everyone is untrustworthy’, and then all of society falls apart. Then you have to build a different kind of society that’s based on distrust. That is exactly what’s happening in our world right now.
“Therefore, at a moment like this, of such crisis in your heart, all I can tell you is this: it doesn’t matter what he does.”
“It matters to me! I’m terribly, terribly suffering!”
“Yes. He’s willing to put you through that suffering rather than face his fear. You must not do the same.”
“Why am I willing to help people like this again? Just because of my own integrity?”
“Of course.”
I sighed in resignation.
“You wouldn’t need integrity if you were helping perfect people. You need integrity in order to help the people who will hurt you for helping them.”
Hearing his words, my sense of resistance and confusion greatly diminished. I finished my tasks and exited in silence.