What is your aspiration?

I begun my apprenticeship at MAPLE in a time where Soryu was away. About a month into the training, I discovered I was mysteriously called to lay ordain, when the invitation was made to the group. I had been practicing meditation for about 4 years at that point, and had been exposed to Buddhism only through a Western lens, not having studied with masters or traveled to Asia. I had no idea the scale of reward offered to all beings when one dedicates their life to truly walking the spiritual path.

While I hadn’t had a formal meeting with Soryu yet, I had heard of how deeply the group appreciated him as their teacher. He was recently back from time away, so I was excited to meet on this occasion to discuss lay ordination.

Well. Little did I know, he is able to show up like a fiery dragon even in one’s first meeting. He asked me immediately, “What is your aspiration?” I regurgitated things I’d heard other people say. He didn’t accept any of it. He just asked again, with even more force, “What is your aspiration?!” So I said sweetly, “I wanna take care of all beings!” (This phrase was new for me. I repeated it because I’d heard people at MAPLE say it a lot.) He just looked at me with increasing fury, “WHAT IS YOUR ASPIRATION!?!??!” I had never been spoken to like this unless I was in deep trouble.

He was really asking me something that I had no good answer to. He was asking me to express what it was that had called me to join in that ceremony. I knew this in my direct experience, but, clinging to my personality of a happy, likable, easygoing, people-pleasing, charming sweet self, couldn’t answer. I was not prepared for this. My notes from that meeting make absolutely no sense, I was so overwhelmed. The main reason was the deep cuts he made about my inability to know my aspiration, and how nothing I tried to say held up. I was fighting back tears the entire time in his presence.

When I can see it like this, I see the teaching to take your own life seriously, that the impact you have in every thought, action, moment, matters. And, even more intimidating, that your cultivation of this intention has important effects on what the world looks like - how society really functions in accord with the thoughts and views that are running your mind.

I’m so grateful I didn’t immediately run away after that meeting. A new person is here now. I am beginning to see the scale of reward offered to all beings when one dedicates their life to truly walking the spiritual path. Often, I can know what’s right, no matter what others say, and I am working on demonstrating this clarity with my life.